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Ungraceful in the Funnel

I am going through a transition time. Right now I feel like I am in a funnel, being poured from one vessel into another vessel (Jer. 48:11-12). I know God desires to change me…as I swirl from one place toward another. This is not the most comfortable place and I find myself out of sync with many of those dear to my heart and out of sync with much of what is going on around me. It is a time of isolation. Friends seem to have drawn back and away. I admittedly have such a new focus. The things that excite me now aren’t fully understood and some are confused by my direction. I am said to be too intense; too single minded; too zealous, etc… It is perhaps all true. Was this a choice? I want to say I didn’t choose it, but I both did and didn’t.

I believe every now and then, Jesus opens the veil and if we so desire we can to peer into His eyes for a very brief moment. Seeing what He has revealed of Himself and His love has had a profound impact on me spiritually and it has thrust me forward into this focus and transition. It seems unstoppable. There is no use fighting the transition because I have seen the promises and they far outweigh the losses….in the end (but let’s be honest, it doesn’t flip a switch and make it all that pleasant in the present. It is just a choice to focus on the promises and sometimes I do make the right choice).

I wonder is this necessary to be who God is calling me to be in this next season? I wonder if things ever strike a balance again…or would I even want them to? I want to be one that flows through this transition from one vessel to the next vessel as graceful as possible. I mostly feel awkward and strange and I do not know what to do but the Lord reminds me of Isaiah 40:28-31. It is a scripture that gives understanding on how to make a transition in a graceful way.

Have you not known? Have you not heard? The everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth, neither faints nor is weary. His understanding is unsearchable. 29 He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might He increases strength. 30 Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall, 31 But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.

The Everlasting God, our Lord Jesus Christ, says to wait. That’s it! Just wait. So no matter how ungracefully I swirl around in this funnel I will just keep on keeping on. I will wait and if I do He says a renewed strength will be given. He says I will run and not get worn out and my daily walk with Him will be invigorated.

I believe I will be transformed until I am to the point I flow into the new vessel a bit more gracefully and when that happens, I will be fresh and ready for the new wine of the Holy Spirit and the adventures God has planned. I believe that many that aren’t getting me right now will be joining me in this funnel soon. Once you start down the funnel, you may not be so graceful at first either and you probably won’t mind at all being called a zealot : )

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I find it interesting and perhaps important to return to words spoken by those I believe are truly prophets. Those that have been checked and proven to hear over time. This was a direct word to me from one such man of God. I didn’t even remember writing this down but I did after I came home from the Fresh Fire service with Sister Cynthia Aidoo on 4/8/2010. I saved it in my “Mail waiting to be sent” file and honestly after a while I forgot about it. I don’t know why it just popped up on my screen. These are the words spoken as her husband from Nigeria took my hands that evening. I am not sure why I wrote this out like I did….kind of like a poem or something. Strange but interesting to see and revisit. Strengthens and encourages me tonight.

Holy Spirit

Yes Holy Spirit

Yes Holy Spirit

feasting at the table

huge feast

time for the feast

He alone will satisfy

extremely blessed

mother, extremely blessed


anointed to stand

anointed for service

enemy is trying to take you out of picture

blood of Jesus over your life and ministry

things coming against

you will stand alone but He will be with you

he alone will satisfy you


set apart and alone stand alone

arise arise

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I Saw What I Saw

I was in no way prepared for what God set before me today. I keep my focus on Him and I know that He will use it all…but right now I am feeling like I am in way over my head and wondering why I was chosen to see. Something is happening and suddenly all around me are the poor and I have grown kind of used to them coming to where I am but when the tables are turned it brings a fresh and very hard reality to my life. I know that even these feelings are a part of His purposes. I have never felt more dependent and insignificant and just kind of….(can’t describe). What good can I do? I mean really? I can do nothing in and of myself. I have never felt more like crawling into bed and just crying but…I know I have to keep my focus on Him. The Sara Groves song, “I Saw What I Saw” comes to mind and cuts at my heart tonight.

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Maybe It’s a Virus

What a great day at the Food Pantry. Such a great day so why do I feel so totally …almost lost or sick or something.

Someone testified that they have a job interview and asked for prayer for that but then mostly wanted to pray for me. Someone that came in two weeks ago in the depths of depression came back today with the joy of the Lord and the peace of God radiating from her. Answered prayer. Someone that needed food only had a prayer request for saved souls. That really touched my heart. Someone that had preached the Gospel and pastored all her life came there for food-now blind, close to her own death and yet she took the time to pray for blessings for me. The food had to be multiplied today. We served so many and we started with so little. It had to be. God is so very good and there was even leftovers.

It was a great day and yet I left and came home only wanting to cry. What is wrong with me? I feel almost desperate. Like I have caught a virus and there is no cure. I can’t explain the depths of my love for people that I barely know and that I once would have stepped over and ignored on my way to almost anywhere. I am so truly thankful that God changed that and gave me this new heart. Now, I can’t explain how much I want each of them to experience breakthrough and victory. I can’t explain what it does to me when someone says they do not want prayer and walks away and I can see the bondage. I know it is their choice but still I can’t explain my anger at the enemy for his lies and his schemes to keep people in chains. But I also can’t explain what it does to my heart to recognize that some of them are so courageous. Living in faith- moment to moment. Some living with incredible physical pain because they can’t afford medications or doctors or just are so new at this they don’t now how to navigate this thing called poverty. What kind of love is this that I feel? What kind of compassion feels so much anger? What kind of joy allows this many tears?

Yeah,it is like a virus and there is no immunization to protect my heart from what it is feels when I look into their eyes. I am so blessed and honored to hear each story. I did nothing to deserve what has been given me and in truth I need their hugs and their love so much more than they probably need mine.

You’d think I’d be used to all of this by now.

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Four Years Later – My Miracle, My Vows

On 9/11/2006 the supernatural met the natural and God performed a miracle in my life. His Glory filled my room and He healed and delivered me and changed me forever. I repented of my sins, forgave all who I had been unwilling to forgive and I accepted His salvation through His Son, Jesus Christ. On that day, I made Him Lord of my life. He promised to restore my life and His promises are always true! While I have learned never to look back, except as He directs and for His own purposes, over the last 4 years I try to remind myself each day of His sacrifice and His love that brought me out of the place of death and into this place of eternal life. And as part of His Bride, I try each day to find a some way to declare my love and say afresh by word or deed my vows -for better or for worse. (taken from vows of the Endtime Handmaidens. I have made them my own)

Lord, I give myself to You;

I give my life to You.

I want to be your servant.

I feel Your call;

I believe I was sent

To do the will of my Father.

I will take orders from You.

I will submit to You.

I will let You break my will.

I will not seek for comfort

Nor for high position,

Nor to do what I want to do.

Mine is the humblest task,

Or the most dangerous task;

By the grace of God, I will do it.

I will go where You want me to go;

I will do what You give me to do.

If in this walk I seem to have nothing,

I will not complain.

At times when I find myself in a kind of prison, I will rejoice

And I will praise You

Because You’ve been to prison for me.

I love You, Jesus;

I thank You for calling me,

And that You want me,

And that You can use me;

I thank You that You are there to guide every step

As I do my part to ready

Your bride for Your return.

And I say today with my whole heart,

“Send the Fire and burn up the sacrifice.

Fill me again and again with Thy Holy Spirit

And give me a double portion of Thine anointing.”

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One Real Father/Daughter Conversaton

” I want to talk to you about an unusual gift,” said the Chinese father to his beautiful, black-haired daughter. She smiled with anticipation. She loved it when her wise father shared special lessons about God. He loved Christ, and everyone who knew him was touched with his kindness and compassion.

He opened a worn Bible and began, “This gift is found in Philippians 1:29. It says, ‘For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe on him, but also to suffer for him.’ Something that is given to us is a ‘gift.’ The two gifts in the verse are belief and suffering. Suffering that results from our belief in God is a precious gift, the value of which will be fully realized only in heaven.”

The daughter smiled. “Thank you, Papa,” she said as she reached up to hug him. “I understand.”

The young girl grew up to be the wife of Pastor Li Dexian, who has been arrested over ten times and nearly beaten to death for his faith. She carries on the work with him, persevering because she learned at a young age that godly suffering is a gift. Pastor Li and his wife have won countless souls to Christ in Communist China, and they continue to work under a constant threat of arrest.

I wrote a couple of weeks ago that I would give anything for a real father/daughter conversation. I think it just happened. Not in an expected way but I accept the guidance of a dad through any means God uses. And I know that it is a gift and with a heart of joy and thankfulness I accept that gift and the lessons He wishes for me to learn.

Today He reminds me of His Son and the separation from Father that His own Son had to endure…and He reminds me that He did it for me. He reminds me that the gifts of belief and suffering are a packaged deal. Not only are they impossible to separate, each gift also strengthens the other. If I have been given the gift of belief in Christ, I will follow Christ. Following Christ means taking risks, going against what is popular, being misunderstood, and sometimes even enduring physical and/or emotional pain. Belief often leads to suffering. As I experience the same kinds of suffering that Jesus lived, I come to know him in a richer and deeper way. The cycle begins again because suffering strengthens belief. I can’t expect to be able to filter suffering out of this earthly life without reducing my belief in Christ.

Thank you, Abba. I understand.

(I said I would give anything for this conversation. Anything….and yet, this came without strings – a free gift. But how could I not give back my life and all of my love to such a wonderful Father as I have that loves me so.)

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Just stand; and having done all – STAND!

– despite warfare

– despite resistance

– despite hassles

– despite weariness

– despite distresses

– despite temptations

– despite personal failure

– despite collapse

– despite grief

– despite loneliness

– despite chains

Just stand; and having done all – STAND!

– stand because of the cross

– stand because of the Lamb

– stand because of His affections

– stand because of His acceptance

– stand because of His mighty power within

– stand because of fountains of living water flowing

– stand because of His surpassing greatness

– stand because of His eternal purposes

– stand because of His beauty

– stand because of His everlasting mercies

– stand because of Love

Just stand; and having done all – STAND!

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Interesting Words (at least for me)

The Lord is my Shepherd and I am learning His voice more and more each day. God said several clear and interesting Words to me in these last weeks. Maybe personal but I have an overwhelming feeling that at least part is corporate and all are connected to each other. I pray that even as I learn to hear and listen that I will also learn to follow with complete trust and to do so quickly. His Words to me were:

– “Study the life of Paul.”

– “I am not after a ministry from you. I am after a minister out of you.”

– “If you go after the ones that nobody wants, then I will give you the ones that everyone is after.”

The sheep that are My own hear and are listening to My voice; and I know them, and they follow Me. John 10:27 (Amp