In a prophecy I was told to study the lives of Paul and of the early revivalists. Tonight I study Aimee Semple McPherrson. I was very touched at her feelings of loneliness…though there were great crowds of people around. I sometimes look at my life and wonder how I can know so many people and now have the ability to say “hello” and relate fairly well and have so few friends. I wonder what I am doing wrong. Even the friends I have are mostly in different stages of life so that they can’t relate to my particular struggles. It is a lonely place and some days I think I might die of it. Yet, I know I have Jesus and I cling to HIM. He is the only reason I am still here on this earth afterall. I am amazed at how He uses even my past bondages to help me through this particular place. I know how to occupy myself in these times with a couple of improvements, praise God…now instead of pacifying myself with TV, it is the Word. Instead of satisfying my pain with food it is fasting and prayer. I have faith that allows me to sit tight knowing that He has a plan for me and it will be revealed in His timing and it will be better than anything I can imagine tonight. I am reminded of that song “I’d Rather Have Jesus” and it is my heart’s cry.
I am so thankful to the dear Sister for sharing her heart Thursday about how she used to wish she was born a boy because it would easier to deal with her vision and calling as a male than a female. But then she shared how God used her as a woman minister in so many ways. He knew. I thank God for paving a way through her life and so many others. Pastor Sammy said Sunday that if you were given a vision from God you knew it. I know mine for sure…I know the leap in my belly that I feel when certain things are mentioned in passing even, but it is not a call or a vision that is accepted in my extended family at all. They are a tough crowd because they are strong in their beliefs and so knowledgeable in defending them. I don’t know the Bible as well. I only know my Master’s voice in this. I sit here tonight and say “I’d rather have Jesus” but I count the costs and wonder in the long term, can I live it? I love my family so. I pray the Holy Spirit opens their hearts and minds to some changes. I have always wanted so much not to cause them further pain in my actions. But there is that voice tugging at me always. I’d rather have Jesus and I pray that I can be found faithful.
and then there is my age….haha…. I came across this verse the other day from Colossians 4:5 -Walk in wisdom toward those who are outside, redeeming the time. Love it.
Time definitely needs to be redeemed here….otherwise this makes no sense as I am quickly heading into the next decade.