I seem to have a recurring conversation with God that goes something like this: What can one woman at my age and my life stage even do? That conversation tends to expose some of the many issues of my heart. It exposes the fears I still harbor. These fears try to stop me in my tracks and hinder me from walking out the dreams of my Father for me.
As a wife and mother, I am afraid for the upheaval of our lives. That I will do something to destroy rather than build up our home. As an individual, I am afraid of the loss of “security.” That I would lose part of a business I have obsessively worked to build in search of a life that mattered. I have built an entire business around trying to make my father’s death a death that somehow and for someone wasn’t in vain. And, perhaps the most powerful fear of all, as a servant and daughter, I am afraid that I actually have nothing to really offer, and thus, I will be exposed. That I will learn that I should have sat quietly and left it to the men, afterall….or at least to those that are more (more youthful, more mature, more prepared, more creative, more talented, more intelligent, more holy, more…)
These are the areas of inner turmoil, the chinks in my armor that open channels for prayer. Prayer changes things. However, always before I leave my knees, I know this particular conversation is in many ways futile because I am still going. Wherever I am led and NEVERTHELESS. I know it is a choice but I seem to be in a place that is past choices. God assures me in these moments that the very things I am so afraid will destroy or expose are exactly what He will use to build, strengthen and heal…for His glory!
And so I get up once again from prayer time determined again to leave forever those fears that actually do expose that my own plans and hopes and ideas aren’t quite dead. Did fears and flesh take a deathly blow today? I pray so.
Another step closer…I press on!
Last Saturday I was asked to give a testimony and preach a short message. Testimonies are awesome and I am so happy for what the Lord did in my life but I look at my past only to glorify God and to testify of His mercy and goodness; only to remember His greatness; only to help others see Him and know if He did it for me, He can and will do it for them that they may live a life of liberty in Him. So giving a testimony of my life before Christ is for me almost like peering through the keyhole of a long closed and sealed door. It does not harm because I don’t personally go into that place, but it is a little awkward as I prepare to see it all as a different person with a different vision. Nevertheless, I am always glad to testify and share His Word as they are forever connected and I am so appreciative of the opportunity.
Here is something that struck me though…it came time to introduce me and I was asked, where I was from. I didn’t exactly know what to say and it caused something to rise up to the surface of my heart. hmmm… I didn’t see that coming. I live in Gastonia, NC, yes, for about 7 years now. I was born in Rutherfordton, NC. As I child we lived in many places (about 15 to be honest) with our family settling in Shelby, NC after the death of my father. I lived for 20 years in Virginia and loved it.
But my heart? My heart? It has only one notable rhythm, and it will always belong in one place…and one place only. Home is where my Father is! It is the only real home to me. Maybe some will think I am throwing out a cliche but I am being very real. I have no other home and heart connection. My loved ones are indeed that and I love them so dearly but they don’t define home to me. My pastor talked about an eaglet bonding to it’s parent and that it would bond to the first thing that it knew upon it’s birth. I am like that little eaglet – the first thing I knew when I was born again was my Father! I was reborn in His arms in my dining room and my first wondrous hours of real life were truly only with Him. That is where I first learned His voice. Deep within I feel I know I was born of my Father, before I ever was. So His voice is familiar, though not. I get that so totally and I don’t even know how I do get it…but I do. Heaven has a way of getting into you pretty deep and staying there. I long for heaven even though I am happy to be on earth for a season. This world is not home though, never has been! I think that is why we struggle in the flesh…we are trying to make it something it can never be. This earth is just a path on this journey. This flesh just flesh…dirt and dust. If I look like I am out of place, I am.
Here is my one sentence testimony:
I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me. Galatians 2:20
Dream – We were going to visit someone in a very large apt complex for a Christmas party. It wasn’t present day, it was future because I was older in the dream. (Not sure how I know I was older, just was). It was obvious that it was a complex but each unit had different driveways of varying lengths. We had to park in a very dark communal parking lot and then walk up the drive way to get to the apt complex we were visiting. There was no lighting along the driveway and so it was very dark as well. As we approached the apt we were visiting I could see the occupant because of a very dim light that she had on. This woman had blonde hair to her shoulders – not anyone that I know but I have a very clear picture of her.
I woke up during this dream and immediately thought of the complexes of Romania. Not sure that the dream image was like the image of those in Romania but my mind just went immediately there. The complexes there used to be communist housing but now are still housing but each owned individually. Very, very small living quarters. We stayed in one when we were there on a mission trip.
Seeking the Lord on what it means because I asked Him if it was important to keep it in my mind. Thoughts welcomed!