and five hours later when the weight of the glory of God lifted….
One thing I have known well, too well…and that is that lie of the devil named rejection.
I started believing the lie of rejection when I was quite young and over the years I have fought it, hated it, used it and partnered with it…but I have never been able to get rid of it. I grew up with an absent dad. My dad was always traveling while in the Navy and then after he was discharged he became lost in his own world of ministry and school. When my dad was around, he often went through periods of such depression that he would close himself off for weeks at a time. I had a dad that tried very hard but wasn’t able to persevere and killed himself a few weeks after Christmas in 1975…at the time I was fourteen.
So for many years even before fourteen I lived with this spirit of rejection and resulting father issues and depression that came. Yesterday, as my birthday approaches (and my birthday is also my dad’s birthday just so you understand) I started feeling myself cave to such feelings of depression that I didn’t know what was going on. It was a feeling I haven’t felt in quite some time and I felt almost guilty for feeling it…like I was chosing this as I had until recently even accused my dad of chosing. I don’t mess around though with depression. I need help but from who? I went to the only one I know for sure I can trust with this. Someone that would understand and care enough about the roots of my rejection to pray even if they couldn’t understand what I was feeling. I went to Jesus.
I believe with all my heart that God sent me to the IHOPU student awakening last night. I had other things planned but I just couldn’t do them…so I got online and decided to check it out.
So five hours later when the weight of the glory of God lifted….
Not even an hour into the service, this girl got up and was getting ready to pray for people that had that spirit of rejection and Allen Hood (gotta love him) grabbed the microphone and said there are pastors kids and they really have this rejection on them and they need to be delivered tonight. They are here and on the webcast. I knew that he as talking about me….It was like the Holy Spirit took control of me and I started crying uncontrollably and continued as this girl, a pastor’s kid who had been delivered the week before, prayed for ME. And as she prayed and continued praying, I felt the release. It was that divine exchange you hear about. One weight exchanged for another….yes, there was this weight and I knew it was the GLORY- the very presence of God… No big bells or whistles. No falling down or shaking or dancing (well until later and then there was singing and dancing and praising like I haven’t done in a longgggg time : ). There was just the weight…glorious weight of God. I couldn’t move, I didn’t want to. And all that time I was feeling the release. This girl prayed for those that need the love of the Father to fill holes that my father couldn’t and didn’t fill. I believe with all my heart that those holes aren’t there this morning. That this weight took out a lot of things and put in some others. I can’t exactly explain it. Would anyone even believe it anyway?
I just feel different….Rejection is something I knew too well but rejection is a LIE of the devil and I declare this morning that I know nothing of these lies. Still under the weight, I felt God tell me to destroy those clippings and although it took effort to release those lies…I tore them up and flushed them and then I started declaring some things…and still, I declare that I know in every fiber of my being the Father’s love this morning….like Job 22:28
“You will also declare a thing, And it will be established for you; So light will shine on your ways. …”
I declare it today – NO REJECTION ON ME THIS MORNING only the LOVE OF MY FATHER. For my birthday God gave me one of the desires of my heart. To be free from this spirit of rejection, to be free from trying to please others to get their approval, to be free from trying to get people to like me, to be free from resulting jealousies and anger, to be free from resulting depression rooted in the guilt of my dad’s choices, to be free from ruminations and wondering if everything I said or did hurt anyone in any way every time I speak or write or whatever, to be free from perfectionism and performing, just to be FREE.
I shared my birthday with my dad and we never really had parties…we just exchanged cards and had a cake. For years after my dad died no one really wanted to celebrate such a day. I always understood because I didn’t ever really want to celebrate it either. So I have always just done things that were very low key. A dinner maybe. I have never really even had or wanted a birthday party…but last night God threw me a PARTY. A surprise party.
Five hours later when the weight of the glory of God lifted there was singing and dancing and God gave me such a gift- one of the desires of my heart – and He gave it two days early. He knew, because He knows me, that I couldn’t wait another minute…..HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!! THANK YOU GOD FOR SUCH A GIFT : )
Hallelujah and ALL THE GLORY TO GOD!!!!